Week 20 – FEAR

FEAR, we all know the word.

There probably is something whether we want to admit it or not that we are afraid of. Yes there are those big tough macho guys who like to PRETEND that there is nothing they cannot do, nothing that scares them even one small tiny bit.

I like to put fear into two categories. The first is something that we can see feel and touch, something tangible. It may be something like teensy weensy tiny spiders or something larger like a big wilder beast. The second is intangible. Something that is not really there but still can leave you frozen in your steps, stuck maybe for a short time or maybe forever, not being able to enjoy your life to the fullest or accomplish what you really think you are here to do. It is this type of fear that is the hardest thing to overcome.

This week are asked to look at five different components and how they affect our life. Those components are fear, guilt, unworthiness, hurt feelings and anger. This has been quite an eye opener for me. I know there are things that I am afraid of. I am claustrophobic for one. Not as bad as I used to be but sometimes it still overtakes me. There are things that I do want to do in my life and overcoming that obstacle is a big one. The big one that is truly affecting my life in a negative way is the fear of presenting a business to people and businesses. I am in the process of studying for exams so that I can enter a business that REQUIRES me to go out and show my business to others. I was studying madly until December as I wanted my license by January 31 then suddenly BAM. I stopped. Thinking about it this week I self-sabotaged myself. If I do this, study, write my exam, get licensed then I would HAVE to face the fear of presenting this business to both friends and strangers. Big swallow here, oh my goodness, how will I do that? My excuses will be gone, the excuses that I do not have the knowledge. I realized this week that all the other times I tried to start up in a business I failed for the same reason. My fear to talk to others. This is a mental fear, it is not like they are going to stare me down and if they say no thank you I will not die from rejection!! As I gave this more thought I did come to realize that my fear is not so much talking to people, really I have been in retail a lot in my life from a very young age, but it is my fear of success. My own personal belief that I am not worthy of success, that I have no right to want more then I have and that I am also to blame for where I am now by the decisions that I have made in my life. I have no reason to feel guilty because I think that I deserve more from my life. I have moved from realization to anger, to tears and back to anger again. I need to figure out a way how to overcome that feeling of unworthiness so that I can move forward with my DMP for my sake and that of my children. So that they can see that they can do so much more then what they think they can. I am worthy damn it and I need to make it happen!! I need to figure out a way so I will ponder this more and take the steps required to overcome all of it. The fear, anger guilt and feeling of not being worthy. We are all worthy, even me!

Week 19 – I will Live this Day….

So many times over the years you hear people say you should live every day to its fullest. We recently started to read a new scroll from The Greatest Salesman and it is about living each day as if it is your last. This all sounds good when you read about it and when someone talks to you about that entire concept but more time than not, even though people say they will change that aspect of their life they fall back into their regular routine. After all we all seem to think that we will live forever.

Looking back to when you are a child you never think about the actions that you take, you just go ahead and do them not worrying about the consequences. As a teenager the last thing I ever thought about was getting hurt trying something new or worse yet knowing something was dangerous but peer pressure won more times than I care to think. Although I did not do anything really stupid there are some questionable activities in my past. Then comes the years when you really think that you should know better. You know what I am talking about, early thirties when you actually have responsibilities like a spouse and a child or three. But still sometimes your brain just takes a time out and you end up doing things that later you regret mostly because you got hurt doing it because “you are not as young as you use to be.”

The thing is it is usually those times, especially as you are getting older and really should know better, that you know you will never regret those experiences. The ones that you fear doing, the ones that give you such a rush once you have done them you cannot wait to do them again. The ones that take your breath away and make your heart race like never before.

It is those times that you know you are living your life to the fullest, taking challenges and facing your fears. I know that I still have many of those days ahead of me, more days that will take my breath away and many more experiences that I will remember forever.

I hope this for everyone.

May we all live this day as if it is our last.

 

Week 18 – Change, The Lesson in the Shovelling

Many times over the Master Keys course I keep hearing about change. The change that people have experienced, some very large and some small. Even Mark has keeps talking about the change that you will see in yourself and how you view those around you.

I must admit that I have really had my doubts that any real change was happening to me. I personally could not see it. Then I had something happen that has made me rethink the entire notion that there has been change.

My roommate was going away for a month and a couple days before she was to leave she had to find someone to shovel snow in the condo unit where we live. So she would not be stressed I told her not to worry about it I could shovel the snow after all she had far more things to worry about then hire a contractor for snow removal. And really how hard shovellingcould it be a few hours here and there and if I was lucky a chinook would come in and melt it all anyway. Things were going quite well, shovelled a bit and yes we got a chinook for almost a week. Temperatures in the low teens so no snow shovelling for me, yeaah!! Then BAM a couple days ago hit with lots of snow, it has not stopped. But here is what has happened, not only am I humming as I am shovelling snow in -16 I find myself smiling. People are coming out to thank me for shovelling their walks (isn’t that nice of them). Then an older lady whose walkway I was told NOT to shovel, she has many carpets on her walkway, is going to her car and she starts to talk to me and is being very rude. I try to ask her a few questions, try to engage in a positive manner with her and she just rides over top of me not listening to a word that I am trying to say. She then gets in her car and drives away. My response was “wow, I feel terribly sorry for her as she is so negative and so darn grumpy, I wonder if she has any friends.” I finished my shovelling went in the house and this poor lady just kept creeping back into my mind so I bundled back up and went to shovel her walkway, well shovelled the carpeting that is on her walkway.

Before this course I would have replayed the event over and over in my mind for the remainder of the day getting angry that I was not being heard and saying to myself she is such a rude, rude lady. Since this course I can proudly say I gave her a bit of love and respect which is maybe all she needed in the first place and never gave her another thought. Well that is a lie, I did say to myself that hopefully she will learn a bit from the actions I took and may speak better to all those she encounters and sent some love her way!

I started to think about going through my days lately and overall the happiness is there how I approach people and my interaction with everyone is so much better and more positive. For that I am very thankful.

Now back to more shovelling, I just might not be quite as grateful for snow anymore!!

Week 17A – The Hero’s Journey

The hero’s journey! I must admit the name did scare me a little. I mean really, who am I to think that I will be considered, let alone remembered as a hero? But as per usual it sometimes takes your children to bring you back to reality and realize just what it means to be a hero and who you are a hero too.

On Wednesday I managed to speak or spend some time face to face with all three of boys. It is a rarity that this happens that is why once a month I organize a family night but even in that case we all do not seem to make it there. Usually someone is working.

compass-pic-1When I spoke to my youngest that day he had relayed the message that he has been feeling a bit depressed as of late that he just was not living up to his potential and that he could do so much more with his life. He knew what he wanted to do but to actually get to it and get things done was another issue. I explained to him that his intuition was speaking with him and he really needed to learn to trust that feeling and go with it to see where it takes him. I have since set time aside with him and I will show him the index card scenarios. The WPOA and also the service card. If these get him on the right track and in the proper head space he needs to be to tackle more and realize his full potential then I will be ecstatic.

I met with my middle son, who has recently been layed off and is struggling in his relationship. This struggle is not anything new but with the added stress of unemployment it seems overwhelming for him. After listening to him the only advice I could really offer was the same as I gave my youngest. You really need to learn to follow the instincts that your gut is telling you and if you really feel that this is not the best relationship for you to be in then it needs to come to an end. Will it be hard yes, but in the end you will both find what you need with another person. The longer that he puts off doing this the harder it will be for all concerned.

I met with my oldest son who had dropped out of college only to regret it a few years later. He is now working full time, attending courses in person and online to obtain the degree that he wanted in the first place. In three short years he will have his masters which he so badly wants. He relayed to me that as of late he has been so disappointed in himself because not only did he drop out of college but it has taken him so long to get back on track to pursue his degree. He told me it was many years of wasted time. I told him at that there are no wasted years just lessons to be learned and as long as you do not make the same mistakes in the future then you will have no problem moving on. I was glad that he followed the voice inside of him that was telling him to move forward and not be content with what he has now. He then pulled out a book from his backpack and told me I should read this as it will help get me moving to define MY purpose and move me forward. I find the book very interesting as it is much the same as we have been learning for the last 17 weeks.compass-2

So three children, all wanting to talk on the same day, all wanting to talk about what they have, where they are in their life and wanting to move forward. Being a mother I listened, gave advice as required but realized that the advice was the same. Follow your instincts, your gut or your intuition whatever you call it as they all have their own hero’s journey ahead of them.

As for my journey? I may not become well known by the world or my name attached to any great thing but my journey has just begun as a mother whose children have grown and a new adventure awaits me. My hopes is that I can help my boys on their own journey so that they can realize their dreams and their full potential.

The photos are of my Christmas present from my youngest son this year. A compass, so fitting for this weeks lesson.

 

 

Week 17 – I am Natures Greatest Miracle

I find scroll IV of Og Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in the World very revealing. I have found it very powerful for myself as I reflect on the words of this chapter.  It is very sad to realize the things that I have not created in my life because I thought that I would be judged by others in a negative way. I do not express opinions and rarely speak up about anything. I did not want to be the center of attention and the thought that people would be looking at me made me very uncomfortable.

I realize now that I should celebrate who I am and venture forth in the world and celebrate the real me. I should approach ALL people and tasks that are put in front of me with strength and confidence I know that I have deep inside of me and I am sure that it is crying to get out.

What I now have to learn is how to get that voice to the outside world, I am hoping that it will be sooner than later and yes it will be a struggle but I am hoping that with each victory the next struggle becomes less difficult.

Week 16 – Kindness

This week we as a mastermind were not only looking for kindness that others were doing around us but also we were to give kindness. When giving random acts of kindness we were supposed to try and do something that did not require recognition for the act.

I found that I could definitely do a lot of kindness acts. They varied from opening doors for people to letting people out in traffic while driving. These of course were noticeable. On Friday while doing my errands after work I found myself just a little more courteous. Instead of giving a thank you to those that served me I added a have a good weekend to that and it seemed to make a bigger impact on the people receiving it. I did manage to do only one kindness that went unnoticed.  It was first thing Monday morning and it was a great start to my week. It had snowed Sunday night so while my car was warming up I scraped the snow off of four other cars that were parked around me. I am not sure what made this so exciting? The fact that I was being kind or the fact that I was doing it under the cover of darkness and was trying to not get caught.

I did notice that a lot of what I was doing this week was what I do on a constant basis but I was just made a little more aware of it all this week.

Did I enjoy my week of kindness, yes I did and I am sure for everyone on the receiving end enjoyed it also.

Week 15 – The Sit and Still some Confusion

I am doing the sit, yes I have missed a few along the way. More as Christmas approached but I am back at it once again. There are a few questions that I still have about the sit that we do every day.

  • Some people have asked things in the Alliance area and have been told to take it into the sit. What does that mean? We are given things that we are supposed to be thinking about during the sit so how are we supposed to think about something else or are we supposed to do an entire different sit?
  • We always hear that when you meditate on any subject the mind is supposed to be relaxed but we are also told that it is hard mental labour. So how is that possible? We are to relax but it is hard labour. Another point of confusion for me.

I do realize that this is a self-directed course but sometimes clarity is needed and this would be a great spot where answers may be needed.

I do keep moving along still hoping that I will have an epiphany like so many others and I do hope that the few negative thoughts that I have will not affect the entire process for me. I do realize that everyone moves at different paces in every process so I know there is still hope that my time will come.

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Week 14 – Commitment

I have decided to recommit and get more involved in the entire mastermind experience, the group and the exercises.

If you have been following my blogs you know that a few weeks ago there was doubt that crept into me about this course, the process and just about everything else associated with it. Right down to my DMP. With the holidays fast approaching and my schedule being totally thrown off it was easy to just forget to do the readings, the sits and all the work that goes with this course. So have I been at all faithful the last few weeks? No, not in the least. I have not even printed off the last lesson, did one sit or read. Am I ashamed? Yes, I committed to myself and let down the most important person, that being me!!

But something once again happened in my life. A co-worker has passed of cancer, too young to be taken and positive to the very end that she would fight and win her battle. It became very easy for me to wallow, as I do when something hits me hard. Another reason to put off doing anything that I have lost faith in. The big questions, why bother, what’s the point and who really cares. When talking with my son, the tears started to flow, for my co-worker and also for me. For giving up so easy on the possibility of the future that I want, the future I know I can have and the not allowing the future me to experience all that is possible.

I realized I have to quit comparing myself to others on this journey in the MKMMA. There are so many that seem to have these great epiphanies, that get something from every exercise that understand everything they are told to do while I have not had any great moments and I still seem to not understand some of the basics of the sit. Questions I have asked but still am not understanding the answers I received. I just may ask those questions in next week’s blog and hopefully receive some clarity.

For now, I am recommitting to my present self so my future self can have so much more.

Week 13 – We all need to belong to Thrive

I am trying to get back into the groove of things, not only has my faith waivered but my entire schedule is totally off with the upcoming holidays and all the preparation required. But if nothing else, I realized that belonging to a mastermind of any sort is a key to being successful. Whether it is with work, business or in a group learning a course being around like minded people truly is the key. They keep you motivated and on the right track so you cannot waiver too far off course.

This is just a short blog and I know as my normal routine returns I also will get back with the pack.

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Week 12- There is Light and Renewed Faith

Since week eight I have been having quite a few problems staying motivated and positive to keep moving forward with this course. I am not sure what happened to me, I cannot put my thumb on any one thing that had changed. If you have read my last few posts you know what I am talking about. I have struggled mentally wondering why I even bothered trying this program. I went into a downward spiral and became a total negative Nellie. I was struggling. I did of course try to keep up doing the bare minimum of reading and blogging but it was becoming harder and harder. It was becoming very easy for me just to “not bother” doing some of the reading. It seemed to me like there were so many people that were having these epiphanies and wonderful experiences that I assumed I missed something along the way. Maybe it was just another program that sucked up my money and I still got nothing in the end.

This week something changed. It may be small but it did make me stop and realize that something has changed within me. I received news that the company that I am with may or may not be here in the next few months. The company that I have built my DMP around just may not be here! How did I handle that? Before this course I would have had many emotions from depression to anger and everything in between. How did I feel? I listened to everything being said and the only thing that came to my mind was if the universe could not see me succeeding with this company then it will put something else in my sights so that I can! I am not here to walk, talk and sleep with the sheep, I am a lion and I will persist until I succeed.do-it-now

I was also on Facebook, something that I do maybe once a month or every other month and there was a picture on my page that my sister had posted. She does not know I am in this course so I found it very interesting.

Maybe the universe is talking to me. Instead of just putting in the time to do the homework, maybe I need to recommit to the entire program, have faith and get ready for an awesome future.